Dreams no longer on hold…

As I sit here listening to one of my favorite albums, Magic Potion by The Black Keys, I had an ah-ha! moment. I had so many dreams walking into this marriage so many years ago. Leigh and I would be happy (and we were, at least I was, through everything), we would travel, I would write my book, we wouldn’t live pay check to pay check like our parents, we would have three beautiful and happy kids, we would move out of Oklahoma, we would start our own business, I would work on nature photography, Leigh was going to build me a dark room, He was going to buy the bike, etc. The dreams go on and on. But now I see that it was only his dream he worked on coming true. He did like every other person did in my life, and told me what I wanted to hear. Meanwhile, my dreams got pushed to the side. Something would come up and I couldn’t work on what I wanted to. I wanted a day to do photography during spring break, but it want important. Leigh wanted all spring break for his Ride’s Edge course, he got it. I mean, I have like a million examples to show how imbalanced it all was.

So, back to my light bulb moment. I’ve decided I have to start living life for me. I want to do things that make me happy. I am going to start writing again, I love it. I want more than anything to become published. That would really be the most amazing thing ever. I want to travel, oh god, I want to travel so bad. England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Greece…. I want to see it all. I want to work on my nature photography. I love to photograph nature. I want to get lost in the forests in Washington with nothing more than my camera, extra battery, and several SD cards. I realized that since I couldn’t live my dreams, I lived them through him. I want to ride Harleys and work on them. I know way more than he does or ever will. I’m the kid that sat on her dad’s work table in the garage and handed him tools and parts while he worked and built bikes.   I was the one who bought him accessories and parts for the 883. I supported him in his riding. He is what you call a yuppie or a weekend rider. He will never be anything more. He isn’t a biker. Having a bike doesn’t make you a biker. I can tell you now, the man he idolizes wouldn’t even spit in his direction.

I’m done letting a man run my life in the manner that he wants. I’m tired of coming last in life. For now on, I come first. My dreams are important. I’m never going to put myself on the back burner again.

X, K

Erratic

I’m not really sure what all this post will cover, I just want to hit all that I’ve been going through and all my thoughts.

First up, the lovely husband is now in contempt for not paying December’s child support, January’s mortgage, and January’s gas bill. So needless to say I’m $940 light at the moment. But it’s all good, because as of Monday I am suing him. Hope he enjoys. I reminded him and nagged him, but he wants to lie and treat me like shit, alright. Enjoy having your check garnished, paying fines, and taking over my legal fees for my lawyer. I hope your ass ends up in jail, then your cow of a girlfriend can talk to you through 3-inch thick glass… I’ve lost my fucking sympathy for all that happens to him. This is why you don’t treat people bad, they get fed up.

I enjoy my new job. I’m working with kids in second grade to get them to the level in reading and spelling that they need to be on. I feel like I am making a difference and it boost my confidence because Leigh said I’d never get a job because I was a “lazy bitch”. Umm, no I was getting an education, dumbass. I got my education and now I’ll be making more than you. So please keep running your mouth. I don’t sleep on a futon in mommy and daddy’s house. Mommy doesn’t wash my undies. Mommy doesn’t feed me. And when I decide to take on a boyfriend, he wont live with his mommy and daddy like your girlfriend. He won’t be a junkie or ex-junkie like your girlfriend. He wont be a homewrecking  piece of shit like your girlfriend.

Right now I have so much on me. I have to keep up with all the bills, sending them to the idiot, making copies for the lawyer, and verifying all that has been paid. I work full time, and I’m always looking for ways to make more money. I am mom and dad to Lily. That includes time with her, feeding, bathing, clothing, well-being, homework, reading to, and having fun trips about town. I am responsible for everything in the home, upkeep, cleaning, trash, etc. I have two pets that depend on me for food and attention. I’m trying to have a social life again with my friends I have missed dearly. I’m talking to new people just as an extra outlet. And at some point, I have to shower and sleep.

I am also starting to find myself again. The person I was in high school is not the person I am now. Back then if you said something to me, it would roll off me and I’d say Fuck You. A couple weeks ago, everything Leigh and others said to me, broke me down, made me doubt myself. I can honestly say that that if it weren’t for Lily, I’d be six feet under today. There was a point that no friend or family could have saved me, I wanted out. But I looked at Lily, and I wanted her more than I wanted out. I didn’t want Leigh to get her and for his mom, girlfriend, and him to ruin her for life. But now I can say the old Kayleigh is coming back. His words done mean shit, just like he doesn’t mean shit. I don’t need him or want him. I can tell him or anyone else exactly what I thing, and I dont feel bad about it.

I hope he has enjoyed the lies, being gay, having cancer, sending baby formula and magazines, and hacking all my accounts. Because, boy, your day is fucking coming. I have me a bad ass lawyer and you are fucked with a capital F. After that, karma gets you. And karma is a bitch, so your life is about to be shit. You could have been a decent person, but you decided to be a shithead. You burnt your bridges and pissed on them. So, one day when you realize you messed up and I was the best thing you were ever going to bet, I can smile when I say there is no chance in hell I’d ever let you back in. Even though Lily says, “What is daddy becomes a good daddy again and comes home?”, I tell her, “No, Lily, Mommy had the locks chanced and daddy doesn’t have a key. No daddy’s allowed here.”

X. K

Ticking Time-Bomb

*Warning: Language*

I’ve had enough. You wanted to fuck around and abandon those who love you most and those who have stood by you with all of your decisions in life, fine! You want to call me names I have never been called before just because I can’t cope with the fact that I am losing my soul mate, fine. You want to tell me to get over you, and that i need to go find someone to fuck, fine. You want to be a worthless, lying father to your daughter that idolizes you, fine! You want to lie and say you are gay and that you have cancer, fine! You want to send me baby formula and baby magazines when I am ready to dig myself a grave, fine.

But you know what you wont do? You wont harass me anymore. I’m done. After you were late to pick up your daughter, because you made your girlfriend park in a different parking lot, I’m done. In two months you haven’t spent any one-on-one time with your daughter. Why? Because I can tell you what head you aren’t thinking with! After your bullshit of having your girlfriend call me, the death threat you gave me, and the all night and all morning harassment, I can not ever wish anything good for you.

You wanted to leave, SO FUCKING LEAVE! That means we dont talk every day! I told you we only need to talk on the custody days. I have no interest in talking to you. Honestly I hate you. Yes, hate. You took all my dreams, trust (you know more than anyone, I dont trust easily), love, and hope and threw them away. You promised me so much and lied to Lily and I. You left me as I mourned my grandpa and the baby that we would never hold. You are a selfish asshole, and I see that more and more every day. What did you ever have to go without so that you could give to me? NOTHING! You know why? Because I went without to give to you and all I wanted in return was your love.

You say I’m a “money grubbing whore”, and you are so wrong. I could live without money and the material things as long as I had you and Lily. I was willing to move to a state I didnt want to just to make you happy.

But you know what? I wish nothing but the worst for you for what you have done. I hope you love this girl, I hope she uses you, drains you, and leaves you for another married man I mean you are the second married man she has went after, you wont be the last. I hope you suffer and live penny to penny. I hope you lose the bike and have nothing. I hope you look at Lily and I and see how happy we are in the house we bought together. I hope you see how I will love a better man and how I should have always been treated. I hope you see Lily treated like a princess by my new man, not as an obligation that you have turned her into. I hope you miss me, I hope it hurts. And when you cant handle it anymore and you come crawling back, I swear by everything I love, I will kick your sorry ass off my property and never look back.

Thank you for making me see I am amazing, and that I deserve so much more than you!

Rollercoaster of Bullshit…

*Warning Language* *PS Granny if you read this don’t beat me*

The title should explain it. I am fucking sick of this bullshit rollercoaster of emotion. He texts me in the morning and I just want him to get hit by a train. Then my brain decided to be an asshole and remind me of the time we playing around in our old house, I tripped and fell into a crazy cheap chair and broke it. I laughed as I laid on the floor and Leigh came down to my level, still laughing and kissed me. Then I feel like I’m dying again.

Then he texts while I’m at work, being an asshole, and I hope he gets bit by a Rattle Snake. And then I remember that time we laid in bed together and watched as my very pregnant stomach moved and contorted like an alien. Leigh would lay his hand on my stomach and talk to Lily.

At night I come home and I miss him. I just want to cuddle with him. But then I look at Lily and realize he doesn’t deserve my love, or me missing him. He doesn’t deserve his daughter because he wont actually spend time with her. He always has to have the girlfriend there. Lily sees it. She’s smart. She didn’t even want to go with him today and I feel like an ass for making her go.

Even now when I look at him I am repulsed, and I guess it confuses me in a way. I know its his actions that make me disgusted, but its such a strong feeling. Then I think three months ago I loved everything about this man, his extra weight his very few chest hairs, his crooked smile, and crazy hair. I desired everything about him, he was my match in every way. Now, all this same things about him I hate. I want t rip off his beanie and make him eat the damn thing. But I cant and wont because I don’t even want to touch him. It confuses me how fast feelings can change. I hate it.

I l forward to the day when I can look at him and not have a thousand feelings rush me all at once. I also look forward to the day that he loses that little bitch and either comes crawling back to me or has an emotional breakdown and hides at mommy and daddy’s for a week. If he were to crawl back, I’ never take him back aft the hell he put me and Lily though.

Fuck that shit.

X,K

Let It End…

Today should be a happy day for me with starting a new job and all, but it’s not. I have one thing, actually, one person on my mind. I think what triggered this today is the fact that it is my first job out of college. Leigh and I talked about this and how we would benefit fro this money. This job was going to help us finish the house, move to Arizona or Washington, and add a new baby to the Evans family. Now this job will support me and Lily. A move, a baby, and a future with my husband are gone.

I’m afraid I have began to spiral out of control. Most days I manage the depression so well. I lock it away in a box and forget it. Today, I couldn’t get in the box. It fought me all day and won.

I want my husband back, the one that was amazing in October. The one who loved me, who cuddled with me on the couch, had lunch with me on his day off, and was a fantastic dad. Such a fantastic dad that I couldn’t wait to give him another baby. Sometime I think if I hadn’t lost the baby, he would still be with me. But I know I shouldn’t think that way.

I don’t think it helps that I’m alone so much. I have Lily but when I look at her I just see how mush I have failed her. Everything I wanted for her is gone. I didn’t want her in a broken home. I didn’t want her to see that her parents who once loved each other cant even look at each other. I feel like a fuck up.

An then comes the fear that I wont ever find someone to love as much as I loved Leigh. I loved I’m so much I’d die for him. I’m not just saying that, I mean it. I didn’t think I was capable of loving someone so much until Leigh. He has his faults and flaws but I loved him more than life. I knew that when we were old and he passed n, I’d follow that same day, unable to go on living without him.

This isn’t the way to finish a blog but, I’m done. I’m done dealing with this pain today.

X, K

Will This Crazy Train Ever Stop?

Well I’ll start off with Friday, I woke up to threats of protective orders. Leigh text non-stop saying that I threatened his mom and I cam on their property. No, I knew what to legally do and I never set foot on their property. I never threatened anyone. Why would i do that a risk losing my daughter? I wouldn’t.

So all day was a constant fight. Still no payment, he kept asking what to pay and I sent him a list with the bills all laid out. we came up for the first check he would pay $641 for mortgage, geico, discover, and electric. Those were the things that needed to to taken care of right away.

3:30 hits and he texts me to meet him at the police station so he can give me the check. I wait and wait, he doesnt show. But finally his dad does. He’s real short with me and nearly rolls the window up on my hand. My feeling are hurt because he has always been my favorite and now it seems he hates me. I get in my car open the envelope, and its a check from Leigh’s parents not Leigh. In addition, it’s in the wrong amount and wrong bills.

I text Leigh and tell him I cant cash it. I tell him I cant accept it. After being ignored for over an hour he tells me I will accept it or he will report me to the courts. We argue for over an hour and in the end I put the check in my safe and don’t cash it.

Monday

The second custody visit arrives. It’s also MLK JR Day so school is out. I meet Leigh at QT and let him take Lily ten minutes earlier. I go and keep myself busy but less than an hour later, Lily calls me on her new cell phone I got her. She tells me she is at the park and got an ice cream. It makes me feel good that she called so soon into her visit.

After a few more calls from Lily, 7:17 rolls around and I’m sitting at QT with my stepmom. Leigh is no where to be seen. He’s late. I finally get a text that Lily was hungry and they stopped at McDonalds. He gets Lily to me at 7:38. I know that doesnt seem like a big difference in time but its the agreement so that I can get her in bed and ready for school.

What Lily tell me about her day makes me sick. He didnt spend any alone time with Lily. The entire time his girlfriend and her kid were there. They went to the park, and dinner was Cheetos and Strawberries. Then they went to the girlfriend’s house. The next part makes me want to rip my hair out. Leigh and her kid sat in the car. She took my daughter into her house and took her upstairs to her bedroom and shut the door. Lily wont tell me anymore. If you are a parent you know what I think already. I ask Lily to tell me more but that is it. She then tells me that went to Braums for ice cream and then to the park in Jenks to meet up with her cousins.

That’s all there is. Im pissed and I confront Leigh on the phone but he avoids everything. He wont account for what I was told. He wont apologize. Nothing.

So now I have to take matter into my own hands to keep my daughter safe. Police reports will be filled tomorrow and I will do everything I can to protect Lily, even if her own father won’t. I would bet money that if I sat in the car while my boyfriend (I don’t have one now) took my daughter into his house and to his room, Leigh would be fighting to get Lily taken away from me. Or who knows, maybe he wouldn’t even care….

X, K

One step in the Right Direction

Okay, I want to write about my first court experience in this divorce. I want to remember this day and remember how proud I am of myself for making it through the day.

I started off the morning on little sleep and nerves so bad I was shaking like I had just drank six Red Bulls.  I pulled myself together and arrived at my lawyer’s office. We went over somethings that had happened in the past two weeks (Yes, the side garage door that was kicked in….ugh) and prepped for what to expect.

At 9 a.m., I walked into a full courtroom with my lawyer and saw my soon to be ex-husband and my father in law. My heart dropped and I got nervous. Of my In-laws, I’m upset to lose my father in law. He’s such a good person and seeing him hit me in the gut. I took the first see I could and looked at the floor.

Lucky for me, a close friend showed up as moral support and that was exactly what I needed. I made it through all that the judge had to offer, I made it through the video, and then when it was time to exit the room to begin the Temporary Order, my legs turned into jello.

“Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him,” these four words repeated in my head over and over and over. I didn’t look at his face but I looked at his clothes. His new jeans hung too low, his old Nike’s were dirty, and his everyday flannel pissed me off. Why did a flannel piss me off? It’s a shirt and it pissed me off more than it should have.

On the third floor we found an empty room, and sat down to work. I sat as far from him as possible. I looked straight ahead and only spoke when absolutely necessary. Everything was good until we hit the mortgage snag. He had no interest helping with the mortgage but we worked out a deal. I wont go into specifics but I will say by the time my lawyer went to make copies of the paperwork, I felt that things were looking up for me after a month and a half of pure hell.

He pulled a chair up to my table when his dad and my lawyer left the room. He wanted to joke. JOKE! Seriously! I looked straight ahead. He wanted to tell me how hard it was to afford all these bills (we afforded them all before!) and I looked straight ahead until my mouth began going. “Hard? Hard? Hard is being left without a single fucking penny. Hard is having your parents buy you and your daughter medicine. Hard is taking money from your retired grandma. Hard is being turned down for $10 for food for your sick daughter. I’d like to not worry every night as I go to sleep. I’d like a fucking night out. I’d like to not be stressed because you wont cough up $10 for your daughter, your daughter, not me! But you can go out to bars, and eat out and buy your girlfriend presents.”

Having him shut up and hear what I had to say without calling me names, hanging up on me, or over talking me was nice. Not once did I look him in the face. And he then moved his chair away from me.

I walked out of the courthouse feeling good and bad. Good because this is a victory for me and my daughter, bad because I never wanted to be in the middle of this process. I cant look at my high school sweetheart without getting sick to my stomach.

But I made it through the day. I did it.

Tomorrow is a new challenge. Tomorrow I have to trust that he will pick up Lily from school and not forget her again. I have to hope that he spends one-on-one time with her and not include the girlfriend. I have to hope that he feeds her a decent meal for dinner. Most of all I have to hope that when he drops Lily off tomorrow that she doesn’t have a complete meltdown. She lets the stress consume her and she deserves so much better.

This is a learning process and I wish that we could be friends, but the way Lily and I have been treated, that’s impossible. I didn’t think it was possible to hate and love someone at the same time…..

X.K

How I Fell in Love

To me, my story is special and unique, but so is everyone else’s. I met Leigh in 2006 at Jenks Alternative Center. We were both there because we were both horrible at math. I remember sitting behind him in my first class, English, and he turned around and said, “Don’t worry, I don’t bite.” I laughed at him and thought he was goofy with his blonde curly hair, his Pink Floyd shirt, and black Converse.

Our friendship grew and grew until I realized I liked him, but I had made a promise to myself not to date. I wanted the hell out of Oklahoma and a guy would only complicate matters. Oh how I dropped the ball on that promise.

One night in May, Leigh was texting me and told me he liked someone. My heart dropped to my feet, but what could I do? I made myself a promise, remember? I told Leigh he should tell the lucky girl his feelings. He said that he was nervous because she may not like him. I said any girl would be a fool not to like him. That he was kind, sweet, and caring. I told him to text her. He then said I am….

I will remember that day forever, I was at my mom’s, giving her a play by play of the texting, and then I cracked a smile. He liked me… I felt like I was on cloud nine. The promise went out the window.

I often don’t believe in fate, but I did with Leigh. It turned out that as kids we roamed the same neighborhood. His sister babysat one of my childhood best friends. We were in JAC for the same reasons. The spelling our names were the same. We shared so many same interests. I truly thought fate had brought us together. That he was my soul mate. But seeing it all now, I was blinded by the deepest love I have ever felt.

There are many kinds of Love. The love I have for my daughter is different than the love I have for my mom. The love I have, or had, for Leigh is a different love entirely. I’m not a mushy person, I’m not a touchy person, but god damnit I can tell you the love I had for my husband was above all others. The love I had for him could move mountains. I would have gladly taken a bullet for him, no questions asked….

I still have a majority of those feelings and now I have to put them into something else. Even as I write this, there is a lump in my throat knowing I can never express that Love for Leigh again. But it makes me hopeful. If I could love someone that deeply, someone who took it for granted, then I know I can love someone else. Someone that will cherish me and love me foe me. Not someone who will throw my love away and move on to a girl before our divorce papers are even filed.

I’m Still Alive

A good friend of mine told me in times like these, writing is the best thing I can do. Well, I’m stubborn and I didn’t take her advice. Four days ago I called a Crisis Hotline because my nerves were getting the best of me. The counselor I spoke with told me to write. Yet again I’m stubborn and don’t listen. Yesterday, I came to the conclusion that writing would help me. Hmm, I guess I have to come to these decisions on my own. But yes, Amber, you were right!

Twenty-eight days ago I filled for a divorce. Twenty-eight days ago I would have rather been six feet under than writing to you lovely people.  But as the days go by, I become just a little bit stronger. As the clock ticks by, I know that my lungs aren’t going to stop taking in oxygen. I know that my heart isn’t actually being ripped apart. Even with that being said, I do have my bad moments. My moments where I lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower so my daughter cant hear me and cry like there is nothing left. There are days that I just want him to hold me and kiss me and make it all better. And there are days I want him to get sucked into a black hole, get ever disease known to man, and fall into the Grand Canyon.

8.5 years of loving someone with ever fiber of your being doesn’t just go away with the signing of a paper, hateful names being yelled at one another, and a girlfriend with a baby being involved.  It takes time. I need time to heal and face what is going on in my life. I have to take time to find me again. For so many years I have loved being a wife. I’ve always felt that being a wife was my calling. I don’t feel like girlfriend material. But now I just need to find my footing to be single for awhile.

 

I hope this writing helps me. I hope to get feedback from friends and others out there that may have gone through something like this or are going through it now.

I plan to really lay it all out there. Bare myself so that I can look back at this and see how I have grown.

X, K